Far Away
by McDLUV
Summary: A horrible accident seperates Meredith and Derek. What happens when they meet after 3 years, unexpectedly. Can they work through all the obstacles and become lovers again?
1. Chapter 1

**Okay hey guys, my second fic :) first of all I would like to thank everyone for reading.**

**Background: Meredith and Derek live in New York. They are in love, and Derek is planning on proposing. And Meredith is planning on telling him something very important. Derek is an attending, and Meredith is a resident. Cristina and Mark are also in it. **

**Okay here we go...ENJOY!**

Chapter 1: Maybe?

"Nuh-uh," said Cristina in complete awe.

"Yeah," Meredith replied, as shocked as her.

"We're happy right?"

"Yeah, I want this. I love him, and now I love this thing," Meredith replied pointing at her belly.

"Did you just refer to your fetus as a 'thing'?"

"That's not the point Cristina," Meredith insisted. "The point is I am happy, and now I'm going to go tell Derek and have lots of dirty sex." Meredith started walking towards the main exit of the Hospital.

"Hey, I hope it has his hair," Cristina screamed to Meredith.

"Me too," Meredith yelled back exited the Hospital, laughing.

As Meredith was driving home, she was truly surprised. Meredith Grey child of darkness is pregnant, and happy? If somebody told Meredith this would happen years ago they would end up in a therapist's office. It's crazy. But its true, she's happy. So happy. She found the perfect man, the man that would make the world's most perfect father to her soon to be child. She thought she would be nervous, but she couldn't wait to tell him.

She snapped out of her thinking when she heard her phone ring. She grabbed it and looked at the screen to see who was calling.

**_Derek. _Her lover. Her baby daddy.**

She felt the huge smile cross her face, she quickly pressed the answer button and brought the phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Mer, where are you? I'm waiting there's something important we have to talk about," Derek said.

"Yes, there definitely is," she agreed. "I'm on my way home. And Derek I have something important to tell you too..."

Little did she know that Derek was waiting at home, with a romantic dinner for two and a gorgeous ring. He loved her, more than anything. And like his mother said, she's perfect for him. And its time that she made the change from just lover, to his wife. Meredith Grey, his soon to be wife. He thought he would be nervous, but he couldn't wait to ask her.

"Okay Meredith, hurry but be carefu-," he said but he was cut off when he heard a scream and the horrid sound of metal crushing.

For a second he froze, he was numb. For a second, Meredith was still on her way home. He was still going to ask her to marry him. She was still going to say yes.

But then it hit him, the screaming yeah that was Meredith. The metal, that would be her car.

"Meredith?" he asked.

"MEREDITH," he yelled. "NO, NOOOOOO." He fell to the floor, sobbing.

This can't be happening, not today. Not the day that she was going to agree to be his fiance and future wife. No, no. He felt like his insides were on fire, and that his heart was going to stop. A thousand things were going through his brain.

He could here the sirens in the back.

_'She had to still be close to the Mount Sinai. She probably just left. They'll just take her back there. He had to go. He had to be there for her.' _he thought to himself.

He stood up and ran downstairs. He grabbed his keys, and fled the house. Leaving his phone in the bedroom.

She had to live, she had to say yes, she had to be his wife. She just had to. And she will.

Maybe...

**I know its a little angsty for the first chapter but I guarantee you i love happy stories, so it wont last. PLEEEEASE REVIEW. I dont know if ill continue, so please let me know what you think. Thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Gone

This can't be happening, no. She will live. Mount Sinai has a great history with trauma. Crap.

So many things were going through Derek's mind as he drove to the Hospital. He kept telling himself she would be okay. She would recover and then he would have the oppurtunity to ask her then.

He drove by the accident site. He saw two cars completely destroyed. Derek easily identified Merediths car. The glass was broken and the metal was all crunched up. Destroyed.

"She will live, she will be okay," he kept thinking to himself.

The ambulance had already transported Meredith to the hospital so Derek continued on.

He had no idea how he got to the hospital. The 10 minute drive was such a blur. Sudden flashbacks of the image of her car. He heard it happen and he saw the aftermath. All he could hear was Meredith's scream. All he could see was her destroyed car. His stupid brain would not quit trying to fill in the rest. Crash.

He can't do this, she will be Meredith wakes up, she'll need him.

As he entered the hospital, he nearly ran into Ellis.

Derek always knew that Ellis hated him. He happened to her daughter. He made her ordinary. She deserved better. Derek knew Meredith fought with Ellis continuoisly because of this matter. Meredith, however, never listened to her mother. Derek was her everything.

_Ellis was Chief of surgery at Mount Sinai, so she obviously knew about Meredith's accident. Duh, Derek, _he thought_._

He could no longer think straight. Crash. Destroyed.

"Where is she?" Derek frantically asked her while searching the ER. Left. Right. Up. Down.

"You just had to do it, you had to take my daughter from me!" Ellis accused.

"What?" Derek asked. "Where is she?" Derek said shaking Ellis.

"She's dead!" Ellis sobbed. "You killed my daughter, your a _murderer_."

"No, no."

"Yes, she was on the phone with you. It's all your fault. MURDERER!"

Pictures of his father lying on the floor bleeding to death flooded Derek's mind.

Murderer.

Two robbers killing him right in front of Derek.

Murderer.

For his watch, and Amelia crying the whole time.

Murderer.

Two men making his mother a widow, and leaving him as the man of the house.

Murderer.

"No, I-I don't no.." Derek struggled to say.

_Meredith can't be dead, she was supposed to say yes. They were supposed to be celebrating, not mourning. _

"Go, leave. You've done enough," Ellis commanded dryly.

"I'm sorry,... I l- love her."

"It's over Derek, so over. GO!" Ellis screamed as she fell to the floor crying.

Derek's heart stopped. The room started shaking, and he couldn't breath. Then he turned around and ran out of the hospital with tears burning down his face. He drove back home. He walked up to the small dinner he prepared. Derek grabbed the linen on the table and threw everything onto the floor. He slowly made his way upstairs.

He spent his last minutes in Seattle on the floor in Meredith's bedroom. Curled up with one of Meredith's shirts that smelled just like her. Lavender. He stopped outside of Meredith's house and took the little black velvet box out of his pocket. He opened it and revealed the two matching wedding rings. He slipped his on his finger. He knelt done and burried her ring in the small pot next to the door.

_He can't live without her. She's his everything. _

"I wish it was me..." he sobbed.

He forced himself to get up and leave. And that's just what he did. He left. Drove. Far away.

He couldn't attend the funeral of Meredith Grey. He couldn't look everyone in the eye and tell them it was his fault. He distracted her, he murdered her. He couldn't live in her house. Damn, he couldn't even live in the same city. There's no way he can work in the hospital she worked in. She was his everything, so now he's nothing? He's done. Gone. But she will always be, Meredith Grey, his lover, his everything, his wife.

Destroyed.

Crash.

Murderer.

Far Away.

_Gone. _


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Hell

Hell. That's all Meredith felt. Her whole body was in pain. Her throat felt like it was on fire. All she heard was the beeps of machines. Hell.

Where am I?

What happened?

Where is Derek?

Is the baby okay?

So many questions, and no answers.

After a couple minutes she dozed off again. When she woke up again, Meredith could remember the accident. Speaking to Derek, and then the sudden impact. Her body being thrown across the car. She slowly started remembering bits and peices of other stuff. The ambulance. The hospital. Her mother.

_The_ _baby_.

Her hand shot to her stomach. She felt the biggest relief ever when she felt the baby kick back. She dared herself to open her eyes. As she slowly creaked her eyes open she expected to be met by the most beautiful blue eyes. The eyes belonging to the love of her life. She, however, was met by green eyes.

_What?_

She realized they were her mother's eyes. She looked around the room searching for Derek. Right. Left. Up. Down.

He was no where to be found.

He must have gone to get something.

She tried to say something but her throat was on fire.

"Wa- wat..er."

Ellis scurried out of the room. She heard her bark an order at a nurse. She returned shortly after with a glass.

"Here you go honey" Ellis offered.

_Honey? What the hell? Ellis was not the kind, loving mother that babies her daughter, even after an accident. Something is wrong._

When she felt her throat calm down a little she decided to speak up.

"De-..rek?" she questioned.

"When were you planning on telling me you got knocked up? Hmm? I have to figure out when you're wheeled into the ER? Do you know how embarassing that is in front of my staff? I knew he was wrong for you, I told you. Grey's dont get knocked up Meredith. Ordinary people do." Ellis argued, Meredith could see the anger in her eyes.

Ellis' comments gave Meredith the energy to stand up for herself and Derek, though God knows she shouldn't even be speaking yet.

"We love eachother Mom. And he's perfect for me. Though I know that's hard for you to see because all you worry about is your fucking staff!"

"Meredith, don't you dare defend him. If he's so perfect why did he leave?' Ellis rebuttled.

_Leave? What? That's impossible. Derek wouldn't just leave. He promised he'd always show up. She's lying_.

"I don't believe you," Meredith said looking away from her mother.

"Well believe it, he bailed," Ellis lied. "Something about not wanting a baby."

_No, no way. Derek loved babies. Can I be wrong about him? No Meredith stop doubting him, he'll come back. He loves me, _Meredith thought_. _

"Your wrong, he'll come back," Meredith said before curling up on the bed under the covers. She hoped her mother would realize that meant she wanted her to leave. Ellis took her sign and slowly walked out of the room.

"He'll come back, he'll come back," she kept saying to herself.

She felt the sleep tug at her and she slowly surrendered to it. She closed her eyes, and the last thing she saw was Derek.

Later on, she woke up to see Mark close to her bed.

_Mark! He has to know where Derek is, he's practically his brother. _

"Mark," Meredith croaked.

"Hey beautiful," Mark said, trying his hardest to pretend everything was okay. Didn't happen.

"Derek?"

"How are you feeling?" Mark avoided. He walked to the end of the bed and picked up her chart pretending to be reading it. But Meredith knew it was all crap.

"Derek?" Meredith asked a little louder.

"Do you need anything for pain?"

_Why is he avoiding my eyes? Something is wrong. But please just don't be.._

"Just say it."

"I'm sorry Mer, I can't find him anywhere. He's not answering my calls, and even his family hasn't seen him."

"I don't understand, why?" Meredith asked.

"I don't know Mer, I'm sorry," Mark said. "The nurses said they saw him run out after talking to your mom."

But Mark just couldn't believe Ellis. Derek was going to propose, he wouldn't just leave her. Especially if she's pregnant. Plus, he knows his brother has always wanted babies. It's just not possible.

He saw the tears pouring from Meredith's eyes. He rushed over and scooped her into his arms. She rested her head on his chest and sobbed.

"Don't worry Mer, I promise I'll take care of you. For ever and always."

_How could Derek do this, How? Meredith was everything to him. Something is off. He better hope there is. Or I'll hurt him for hurting little Mer, _Mark thought.

Mark could still remember growing up in the Shepherd household. His brother was always enticed by the little blond girl next door. They all became great friends, but it was obvious that Meredith and Derek were destined to be more than that.

But maybe they were all wrong about Derek, maybe he wasn't as perfect as everyone thought he was.

_God Derek, where are you?_ Mark thought, as Meredith cried on his chest.


	4. Chapter 4: Seriously?

Chapter 4: Seriously?

_*3 years late*_

"Owen I need you to make a very important call for me," Derek said to his friend.

Ever since the horrible accident where Derek lost Meredith, he also lost everyone from New York. One of these people was Mark, he just couldn't talk to them. He couldn't even say goodbye. How could he? What was he supposed to say? Hey Mark, I killed Meredith, and now I'm going to run away, Bye! Yeah, I don't think so. But its true, he's a Murderer. A Coward also. He ran, far away. But he just couldn't confront anyone. Everything remined him of Meredith. Every day when he wakes up, he turns in bed expecting to see her. Everynight when he sleeps he expects to hear her snoring. Every surgery he imagines her scrubbing in with him. But she can't, she dead. Because of him, he distracted her from driving. He was a murderer.

"You're very demanding since you've became Chief," Owen retorted.

"Exactly, Chief Shepherd. No, but I seriously need you to call someone."

"Seriously?" Owen asked, not used to being bossed around by his friend.

Come to think of it, Owen doesn't know anything about Derek. All he knows is that he moved to Seattle 3 years ago when the old Chief called him in. He also knows that Derek is married. Though no one has ever seen his wife, Derek has worn his wedding ring since the first day he met him. Derek does keep a picture of them in his office. She was a beautiful woman, golden blond hair and amazing green eyes.

Derek cringed when he heard her line:_ Seriously_. She was so cute when she would say that. _Seriously, Derek. Seriously? _God, everything reminds me of her.

"Yes, seriously. It's for an old friend, well more like a brother," Derek said. "We need a new head of Plastics and Mark Sloane is perfect for the job."

"So, if he's your brother why don't you call him?"

"I left New York all of a sudden, I think he hates me. I'm scared he won't come."

"Derek are you ever going to tell me about New York, or that wife of yours?"

"No," Derek replied quickly. "Are you going to make the call for me, or should I find a stupid intern to do it?" Derek said, he could feel the anger building up.

"Sure," Owen said, raising his hands in front of him as to say 'I give up.'

Owen picked up the phone and dialed the number Derek had written. Under the number was the name of the friend: _Mark Sloane. _

"It's ringing," Owen said. "Hello, Dr. Sloane?" Owen said with a thumb up towards Derek.

Derek could hear Marks voice on the other end of the line.

"Yes, I am the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital in Seattle Washington, I have an opening fpr the Head of Surgery. I was sondering if you would be interested?

Owen went on to set up an appointment for Mark to come by and check the place out. Mark, however, had a request.

"Wife? Okay, I'll see what I can do," Owen told Mark. "Yes, I will see you in a couple days."

Owen closed the phone and turned to see Derek looking back at him with a huge grin on his face.

"So?" Derek asked.

"He said he'll come check it out in two days, but he asked for a job for his wife."

_What? Mark Sloane is married. Who would have thought? Definitely no one who nows Mark Man-whore Sloane. This woman must be pretty special._

"I can do that," Derek said.

_After three years, I get to finally see my brother. I think I'm ready. He'll be thrilled to see that I'm Chief. I hope everyone will forgive me for splitting. God, I wish I never called Meredith that day, _Derek thought. So many thoughts.

Derek felt the tears stinging the backs of his eyes, and now he can see that Owen was staring at him.

"I'm okay," he said, waving his hand at Owen. "Can I be alone for a little?"

"Sure," Owen said, feeling sympathetic for his friend. He patted him on the shoulder and queitly exited his office.

_Mark will help me. And hopefully he'll be happy here with his wife._

_Seriously, Who the hell would marry Mark?_ he thought. _I guess we'll see in a couple days._

Seriously?


	5. Today is the Day

Hey guys, So i thought instead of replying to everyone's review, I would just put it out here.

**This is definitely 100 million percent a MerDer story. Meredith and Derek are my favorite couple ever and the only reason I watch Grey's. So no one worry about a Meredith and Mark couple. I am a strict believer of Mark and Lexie also. I'm the MerDer happy ending kind of fan too, so no one worry about that.**

Okay, on to the story...

Chapter 5: Today is the day.

_Derek's Point Of View._

Today is the day, Derek. Today is the day.

The day were I can finally be happy again, I can have a life. Today, I get to see Mark again after all these years. Mark: my brother, my bestfriend. I'm done pretending I don't miss my old life.

New York.

Mount Sinai.

My Family.

Mark.

Meredith.

Oh, Meredith is a different story.

Everyday I miss Meredith.

Everyday I see her everywhere.

Everyday I regret that call I made.

Everyday I think 'what if..'

I forced myself to cut off anything and everything connected to New York and Meredith. It was enough torture knowing it was all my fault. I just couldn't see anyone.

Not until now.

Today is the day.

As I made my way down the stairs to the lobby to meet Mark, I started getting nervous. Then I spotted him in the lobby. I rushed over with Owen . I tried my hardest to stand aside where Mark can't see me. I wanted to run to him and hug him. Damn, when did I become softcore. Maybe It's because everyday I go to work I return to an empty trailer in the middle of nowhere. Maybe It's because I have no friends. Maybe It's because I want to want to live. I don't want to go to sleep not caring if I wake up in the morning. I want a reason to wake up.

And maybe, just maybe today was the day I can get that reason.

I watched Owen walk up to Mark and welcome him.

"Dr. Sloane," Owen said, placing his hand on his shoulder. Mark turned around to greet Owen. "Dr. Hunt," Owen said as he held out his other hand to shake hands with Mark.

Mark quickly accepted his gesture.

"Welcome to Seattle Grace Hospital," Owen continued.

"Thank you, and thank you for the oppurtunity," Mark said with a huge grin on his face.

"Okay, I would like to introduce you to the Chief of Surgery," Owen said slowly walking towards me.

But Mark suddenly put his arm out and grabbed Owen turning him around to face him.

"I thought you said you were the Chief?"

"That is what I said," Owen chuckled, "but I lied."

I took that as my cue and I walked out in front of Mark.

I smiled and watched his face change. The countless emotions sprawled out on his face: awe, happiness, confusion, suprise, then happiness again.

I closed the distance between us and hugged him.

"Mark," I said softly.

"Derek, I can't believe it," he said. "It's been so long, man."

"Yeah, I kn-" I was saying before I was cut off by a woman's voice.

"Mark, the bathrooms here are amazing you have to see them. I mean seriously you have to."

Damn, even other people sound exactly like Meredith. I have to stop imaging everyone is her. I need to move on. I need a life. I need help.

I looked up and my heart stopped. I froze. Comletely froze. I forgot how to breath. In, out.

I felt my body stiffen, and Mark pulled away. He looked back and fourth between me and Meredith.

It's not possible. I have to be hallucinating. By why the hell does she have a baby boy in her hands. My hallucinations usually don't have babies with them.

"I-I...I," Meredith stuttered.

Holy Shit, it's real. She's really here. No way. Not possible. I must be going crazy.

But there she is, right in front of me. My Meredith, my sweet dead girlfriend is right infront of me.

But, how?

Apparently she was just as suprised as I was, she stopped in her track and just stared.

I don't understand. This has to be a dream. No, definitely a nightmare. A horrible, horrible nightmare.

Meredith cannot be alive.

At some moment when I was still deep in my thoughts I heard Mark say "Well, this isn't at all akward."

That snapped me out of my haze, I put my hand out to the nearby chair to keep myself from fainting. I can feel the sweat beating down my neck. The room was spinning, and I couldn't breathe.

Meredith also seemed to realize what was happening at the same time.

She quickly turned on her heel and bolted out of the main entrance.

So many things were going through my mind.

How is Meredith alive?

Why did Ellis lie?

Why didn't I try to figure out if she was really dead?

Why is she in Seattle?

With Mark?

With a baby?

Wait, no not possible. This can't be happening to me. Today was supposed to be a good day. A day where I can sit and catch up wth Mark. I wasn't expecting my dead girlfriend to casually stop by and nearly give me a heart attack.

Maybe I am hallucinating.

Maybe I have some tumor eating away my brain and slowly killing me.

Speaking of killing, Mark better hope this is all one big misunderstanding.

Mark chased after Meredith and returned after a couple of minutes. He looked tired but relieved to find me in the same place.

I didn't move.

Correction, I couldn't move.

I wanted so badly to close my eyes, and open them to find myself in my bed. God, I wish this was a dream, I'd even take a tumor over this.

But it's not, it's reality.

I left my dead but really alive girlfriend and drove across the country.

Mark put his hands on my shoulders and shook me.

"Derek, snap out of it buddy."

"I don't- wha- how?" I heard myself murmer.

"Come on Derek, let's go sit somewhere. Maybe you can explain why the hell you would randomly leave to me, because I don't know if I can fight the urge to punch you much longer," Mark said.

We walked to my office and I fell into the chair.

"Hurry explain, Meredith is waiting for me."

I cringed, Meredith and Mark, and a baby. I'm ganna be sick.

Today is so not the day.

**Okay so soon the same scene will be up in Meredith's POV. What do you guys think, should I do it that way? Please revieeew, and thanks for reading.**


	6. Today is the Day Part 2

Chapter 6: Today is the day Part 2

"Today is the day, Mer," Mark said a we drove to the hospital.

"How is that?" I replied, although I already knew the answer. Ever since this Dr. Hunt has called two days ago Mark has been extremely excited. All day he has this really big shit eating grin plastered on his face.

"Today is the day that I become 'Dr. Mark Sloane: Head of Plastics'."

"I'm happy for you," I said. "Really, I am but could you maybe shut up. Just a little. Please." I chuckled.

"Ha, ha Mer. Now you got the idea," Marks told me. "' Dr. Meredith Grey: Head of Plastic's bitchy wife!'" Mark laughed.

That shut me up. Not the part about me being bitchy because you really can't bame him. I have been quite 'different' ever since Derek left me with a baby. I haven't really became Meredith again.

The part that shut me up was the wife part. It's been 2 years since I've become Mark Sloane's wife. But I just can't seem to get used to it. I can't seem but think 'what if I married the wrong brother. God, everyday I wish Derek didn't leave. But he did, he left me. He broke me, he hurt me. And Mark fixed me. Well not completely, but he was there for me. He encouraged me. He made me believe I can live without Derek when I thought the opposite. He helped me in my pregnancy when everyone urged me to have an abortion. He was there when Christopher was born. He helped me raise a beautiful little boy.

I turned around and looked at Christopher in the back seat. He was sound alseep in his car seat. He looked exactly like his father. He had the most mesmerizing blue eyes, and the perfect pitch black hair. His nose was even crooked from when he got into a fist fight with Cristina's son Tyler. He was Derek, but mini.

When everybody urged me to terminate the pregnancy, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Although Derek hurt me, I was thrilled he left me with Christopher. It was the only peice of Derek I could keep. It only seemed right to name him Christopher after his father's middle name.

"Mer, I'm sorry," Mark said when he realized my mood changed. "You're not bitchy, your perfect."

"Thanks Mark," I said as I tried to muster up the best smile I can.

The rest of the drive was silent. I hate silence. It really gives me time to think. I hate thinking. It gives me the oppurtunity to think 'that should be Derek in the driver's seat.' I hate Derek. Okay, I don't hate Derek, I can't hate Derek. He's.. well he's just Derek.

When we finally reached the hospital, I exited the car and went to pick up Chris. I walked up to Mark with Chris in my arms. We silently entered the hospital. It was big. Okay, maybe big is an understatement it was huge.

"Mark, it was a long ride. I'm going to take Chris to the restrooms."

"Okay, Mer I'll be here when your done."

I walked to the side and read the board with the map of the hospital on it. When I located the restrooms, I turned around and waved bye to Mark and made my way to the restroom.

_Damn their bathrooms kick ass._

I helped Chris, and then I found myself staring at myself in the mirror.

"You can do this Mer!" I told myself.

I pulled my hand out in front of me and smiled. "Hi, I'm Dr. Grey, Dr. Sloane's wife." I practiced. I frowned. Damn, that sounded wrong. I really wanted to say, "Hi, I'm Dr. Shepherd's wife." Damn you Derek.

When I was done practicing I fixed my hair and picked up Chris.

"Okay Chris, are you ready?" I asked.

"Today is da day mommy," Chris imitated Mark.

"Seriously?" I said as I walked out of the bathroom. I walked back to the lobby.

"Mark, the bathrooms here are amazing you have to see them. I mean seriously you have to," I said.

I looked up and almost choked. It's not possible. No way. This cannot be happening.

I closed my eyes hoping that when I open them I won't see Mark hugging who I think he's hugging.

When I opened my eyes I saw Derek staring back at me with his gorgeous blue eyes.

I couldn't breathe. This was not supposed to be happening, today was supposed to be a good day. Today was supposed to be 'the day'. The day were I start a new part of my life. A part were I don't cry everyday. A part were I can smile without trying my hardest to. A part were I don't think about Derek everyday. A part without Derek. But here I am at my new part staring directly at Derek.

I saw Mark pull away from Derek and turn arund to see me standing there.

"Well, this isn't at all akward," I heard him say. And what a dumb thing to say, a typical Mark Sloane dumbass move. If I wasn't stunned too much to speak, I probably would have yelled at him to shut up. But at this moment I can barely think straight.

Derek looked just as surprised. He looked like he was going to faint any second. He's probably thinking 'how far do I have to run for her to realize I want her to leave me alone.'

I should leave. If only I could move, I need my legs to move. I need to turn around and run.

"I-I...I," I mumbeled. I forced myself to move. I turned on my heel and bolted out of the hospital with Christopher in my arms.

When I exited the hospital I finally let myself breathe. I can finally think straight.

_Shit._

This is why I hate thinking.

I started pacing, and then I turned around when I heard Mark shout my name. He followed me outside. He looked sad, but I knew he was secretly happy. He misses Derek. He misses his brother. He's been lost without his bestfriend these past 3 years. He tries to hide it, tries to but fails.

"Mer, I didn't know," was all he said.

"I thought you said it was a Dr. Hunt that called?"

"He did, but I guess Derek put him up to it. Derek is the chief."

_Derek Shepherd: Chief of surgery. _

_'Hi, I'm Meredith Grey, the Chief's wife'_

_Damn you Derek._

"We can leave Mer, we should go back to New York," Mark said. He smiled, but it was a fake smile. A'I don't want to go' smile, I know that smile. Chris always uses it.

Could I do this?

Could I crush Mark's dreams after all he did for me?

I know he wants this, I've heard it constantly for the past two days. But the thought of seeing Derek everyday seemed ridiculous.

Can I work with the man I still love and Mark?

No, I can't.

But I can try, Mark has been great for me. He saved me when I thought I would die without Derek. He's willing to give up everything and move back to his job at the sucky hospital back at New York. He's been depressed ever since my mom fired us when I told her I wouldn't have an abortion. And now he can be happy again.

Today was the day he was supposed to be happy again. I can't ruin this for him.

"No."

"What?" Mark asked, obviously stunned with the word.

"We'll stay, Mark I'll stay here for you."

"But, why?"

"Mark, you gave up everything for me. You were always there for me," I said. "It's time I'm here for you."

"I can't ask you to do this, Mer," Mark stated.

"You don't have to, we can do this Mark," I told him. "We can stay."

"Thanks Mer."

"Mark, I only want one thing."

"Anything Mer," Mark said.

"Don't tell him about Chris. Let him believe that the baby didn't survive."

"Mer, Chris is 3 and looks exactly like Derek."

"No Mark. Chris is only 2, we had him after we got married."

"Okay, Mer. But you know there's no way he'll believe that."

"Make him belive it Mark."

"Okay, I'm going back in," Mark said.

"I'll just go to the hotel with Chris. I'll see ya later Mark," I said and turned around to make my way to stop a taxi.

As I entered the taxi, I looked inside the hospital to see Mark walking away with Derek.

What have I gotten myself into?

How can I work with Derek, the man I love, while being married to Mark?

This day sucks.

Today is so not the day.


	7. Dark n' Twisty Derek

Hey guys, so my internet stopped working a couple days ago :/ but i just got it back, I sat down to write this and i got half way through before i had to be rushed to the hospital. But now i'm on bed rest sooo update time :)

So some people are confused about the whole mark/meredith thing.

Derek was going to ask meredith to marry him the night of the accident. They didn't actually get married, but Derek couldn't move on and thinks of Meredith as his wife because he still loves her. So mark married Mer, but the boy is definitely Derek's but Meredith doesnt want him to know because she thinks he didn't want the baby. ok sorry for the confusion :(

Chapter 7: Dark n' Twisty Derek

Derek sat in his office facing Mark.

They arrived at his office about five minutes ago. They've been sitting in complete silence. Derek had his head burried in his hands. He could feel Mark staring at him, waiting for an explanation.

Mark was the first to break the silence when he cleared his throat. Derek took that as a sign to start speaking. But he couldn't, he couldn't even think straight. His mind was blank. But there was one thing he couldn't forget. One thought swimming in his mind.

Baby.

Mark and Meredith got married. As in 'rings, living together, and I do' married. Mark has everything I ever wanted with Meredith.

And now a baby?

_A baby that looks exactly like me? How is that possible, unless? _Derek thought to himself_._

"So, are you going to talk or are we just going to pretend like nothing ever happened?" Mark asked.

Derek finally looked up at Mark, and Mark could easily see the hurt in his eyes. But that was to be expected after all of these years. And anger, but also expected because Mark did marry the love of his life. But there was something else. Guilt?

"Come on Derek," Mark pushed. "Explain to me why you would just pick up and leave. I know you loved Meredith, I mean I helped you plan the proposal. How could you just leave her in the hospital and drive across the country?"

Derek watched Mark pace in front of him. He decided he would have to explain, he has to. If only he could formulate the words to do it.

"Dead," was all he could muster up.

"What?"

"For the past three years, I went to sleep every night thinking Meredith was dead. Every morning I woke up thinking the same. Every fucking day I walked around this hospital like a zombie thinking I killed the love of my life," Derek finally snapped.

He stood up and walked over to where Mark had stopped in his tracks.

Mark couldn't believe what Derek said. _Meredith dead?_

"Why would you think that?" Mark said softly, he could see Derek was about to crack again.

"Ellis."

"Ellis told you Mer was dead?" Mark questioned, still not quite believing his ears.

Derek flinched at the sound of Mark's words.

_Mer? That's what I called Meredith, _Derek thought.

"Yes, she told me that she died in the accident," Derek said.

"Why the hell wouldn't you try to figure out yourself?"

"Do you honestly think that I was thinking straight at that moment? I was planning on proposing. I had to show up to the hospital were people die everyday, I'm a surgeon. I know that people die everyday," Derek explained. " Ellis told me Meredith died becuase she was distracted by my phone call. She called me a murderer Mark, a fucking murderer. All I could think was that Mer was dead because of me, my Meredith was lying somewhere in the hospital in a body bag, lifeless. All I could hear was her flatlining, and someone calling her time of death. All I could imagine was me living the rest of my life alone, because I had to call her. All because I was to excited to propose, that I caused her death."

Mark watched his brother break, literally break. Tears started bursting from Derek's eyes. His hands were shaking and his voice was cracking. He looked like he could fall over any second.

Mark knew Derek would never lie, but damn this was unbelievable. How could Ellis do this to Meredith and Derek? How could this have happened, and no one knew?

"Derek, Mer was hit by a drunk driver," Mark explained. " The guy ran a red light and rammed Meredith's car. It wasn't your fault, your not a murderer."

Mark knew that word is the one that killed Derek. Murderer. Mark remembered like it was just yesterday the day that Derek's dad was killed, right in front of him. And Derek could do nothing, he was helpless. Derek was no longer Derek anymore, no he was someone different. Someone always sad, always depressed. He would never say it, but everyone knew Derek was despressed. Until he met Meredith. Meredith gave him life again, Meredith saved him. And to think Derek had to go through that all again, wow Mark finally understood.

"Well, it's too late," Derek said. "Now, you're married to Meredith and she has a kid." Derek looked at Mark with lifeless eyes. The rims of his eyes were red from all the crying, and his hair was messed up from all the times he raked a hand through his mane.

Mark contemplated just telling Derek. It's Derek and Meredith, they're meant to be. But for once, Mark was happy. Mark was married, he dumped all the girls and the bars and he was done, Meredith was it. How could he end that? Plus, Meredith told him she doesn't want Derek to know. But this is different, Derek never knew about the baby. Damn, this was so confusing.

"He's 2," Mark lied. "His name is Chris, we had him shortly after we got married." Damn, this doesn't feel right. I'm lying to my brother, about_ his _son.

"Oh," was all Derek said. Mark thought he saw him die just a little more inside. Like it was his last hope, and Mark crushed it. "Congrats." Derek said with a dark chuckle.

"Derek, I know you're pissed and I really don't blame you, but she's my wife now. When you left Meredith she was broken. And when you weren't there, I was. I helped her get over you. I helped her recover. Not you, me. I fell in love with her. So, please just let me be happy."

Derek felt like he was dying, he had to listen to how his best friend fell in love with the love of Derek's life. But he couldn't do anything, he couldn't ruin his brother's life. He's spent the last 3 years of his life without her, so how hard can it be to spend the rest of his life without her?

Shit.

"Okay."

"One more thing bro," Mark said. "You got to take that picture of you and Meredith off of your desk, oh and the ring on your finger. I'm your best friend, I know that you didn't get married again. Sorry, man."

Derek just shook his head and removed the ring. God, his finger felt naked without it. He slipped it into his pocket and tried his hardest to smile at his brother.

_Shit, I hate my life, here comes Dark n' Twisty Derek again..._


	8. Dark n' Twisty Meredith

**Okay so since I took so long for the last update i decided to update asap for this one. I know some of you guys think its a sad story but i garauntee you I wont be like that for too long. I love happy MerDer and since Shonda gave us shit in the finale I want this to be good, plus good things come to those who wait!**

Chapter 8: Dark n' Twisty Meredith

"Why do all the bad things always happen to me," Meredith said.

She's been a little tense since the incident at the hospital earlier. Okay, maybe a little is an understatement. Meredith has been driven crazy. The sweat was pouring out of her, and she was freak cleaning.

Meredith is cleaning, yes seriously cleaning. She was running around the hotel room sweeping, and dusting every corner. She obviously knew she didn't have to, thats why the hotel has maids but she's crazy.

"There has to be something wrong with me," Meredith reasoned, "I'm cleaning...I DON'T CLEAN."

But she knew why she was doing this, she needed to do something that wouldn't give her time to think. Thinking was bad. Thinking will lead to memories, and she can't remember Derek. The way he used to say her name. The twinkle in his eyes when he would see her, and the smile on his face. The ways he used to touch her. The noises he made when they were making love.

_Shit, Meredith stop thinking..._

She finally stopped cleaning, surrendered to the exhaustion. She sunk onto the couch and waited for Mark to return after talking to 'he who must not be named'.

She didn't have to wait long, Mark walked through the door after a couple minutes. As soon as he saw Meredith in long yellow scrubbing gloves, with her hair up, and windex in her hand he knew it was time to worry.

_She still loves him_, was all he could think.

"You're cleaning," he said, with his eyes on the floor.

Meredith didn't answer, not because she was embarassed, but because she honestly didn't know what to say. Mark took the silence as his oppurtunity to continue.

"You don't clean Mer."

Meredith just gave Mark a little half slanted smile.

Mark conteplated just not telling Meredith about Derek.

_She doesn't have to know... but seriously how long can it go on like that? They work together. Plus, Meredith deserves the truth, and Derek deserves her not hating him anymore. But what about me? I love Meredith, I think.I mean i'm happy, I guess. But I can't lie to Mer..._

"He didn't know."

That got Meredith attention, her head shot up and she stared at Mark. She slowly stood up and walked over to him.

"What?" she asked.

"He thought you were dead," Mark explained.

"I don't..why?" Meredith could not believe this,_ Derek thought I was dead? But how? and why?_

"Your mom, she told him you died in the accident because you were distracted by his phone call."

_Oh my god, could this be seriously happening. No way. _

"So, he never knew about Chris? He didn't leave because he didn't want a baby with me?"

"No, Mer. He never knew," Mark reluctantly answered. This was hard, hard to tell your wife that she hates her ex for no reason. It's like giving her a 'get out of marriage free card,' but she had to know the truth.

"Seriously?" Meredith said, still shocked.

_This changes everything, he didn't know. We could have been happy, I could have been married to him now instead of Mark. But, I'm not. Even thought I don't love Mark, I am his wife. He helped me. He saed me when I thought Derek broke me. He raised my child, he was Chris' dad. But now, now Chris has a father. Derek is his father. Damn, _Meredith thought.

"Yeah," Meark said.

Mark watched Meredith think, he knew that Meredith didn't love him but he couldn't admit it. He knew that Meredith will always love Derek, and Derek will always love Meredith. But damn, he deserved to be happy, too.

"I told Derek Chris is two, and that he's my kid," Mark said.

Meredith stopped pacing. She had forgoten that she asked Mark not to tell Derek about his son. She really shouldn't speak when she's mad because it leads to bad dilemmas.

"Mark, you raised Chris, you'll always be his dad," Meredith said. "But Mark, Chris deserves to have his father. But I'll tell Derek when I'm ready, I don't want to rush into things."

"Okay, Mer," Mark said as he walked over to the bed turned the lights out and went to sleep.

_Luck basterd, he can sleep while I have to sit here and think of Derek. Oh god, here comes Dark n' Twisty Meredith again..._


	9. Authors Note

**Authors Note**

**I would like to apologize for the last chapter. I don't know what you guys thought of it, but now that I read it again- I hate it. I would like to go in another direction. I know my plot is not the best but I'm trying to completely change it for the better. **

**I decided I am going to delete it and completely rewrite it. I hope this wont make you mad, but I will rewrite it and put it up soonish...sorrrrry :(**


	10. Silence

**Sorry for keeping you waiting, but I wanted to make sure that it was the way I wanted to go with the story. I've getting some negative feedback and I'm trying to ake it better. I accept any suggestions, too. And thank you to those who are reviewing, it really makes me feel better and update quicker.**

**I won't bore you so heres the update...**

Chapter 9: Silence.

"I hate you Mark," Derek said to his best friend as he joined him in front of the OR board.

To say that it has been a little akward between them, well that would be an understatement.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," Mark joked as he patted Derek on the shoulder.

"Trust me," Derek rebutled. "That is not one of the many reasons I hate you."

Mark tried to smile, he really did, but he failed. He knows that Derek is still in love with Meredith. But Meredith can't still love him! Right?

"So what is your current reason?"

"Why do you always steal my things?" Derek asked.

"What? I didn't do anything," Mark answered with his hands up in the air as to say 'I'm innocent.'

"Okay, heres where I prove you wrong, as usual," Derek said. "One: When we were eight you stole my favorite comic book. Two: when we were in high school you stole Addison and-"

"Oh god here we go with the Addison excuse, are you ever going to stop using that?" Mark interupted.

"I will when you stop stealing my stuff," Derek said.

"Okay, so you hate me now because I stole your girlfriend twenty years ago?"

"No, I hate you now becuase you stole my girlfriend two years ago?" Derek accused.

"I didn't steal Meredith," Mark explained ans he pointed at Derek. "You practically gave her to me when you left."

What the men didn't realize is that a croud was starting to form. Mark and Derek's voices were escalating and their blood was pounding.

"You know why I left Mark, so don't make me the bad guy here. What if I told you that Meredith was dead right now? Huh? Are you trying to tell me you wouldn't try to hide, you wouldn't run? Don't be a hypocrite Mark, we're the same."

"The only difference is that I would try to figure out before running, because I'm not a dumbass. If you truly loved her you would have stuck around, but your all talk Derek,"Mark yelled.

That got Derek even more mad.

_Me not love Meredith? Meredith is my everything._

That's when Derek threw the first punch, and I landed straight on Mark's jaw.

"Yeah, hit me Derek. Very mature, you're just jealous because Meredith goes home with me at night, not you," Mark said as he rubbe his jaw. He didn't mean for this to happen, but he was jealous. He couldn't let Derek take Meredith back. He loved her, he loved Chris, and he was finally happy.

Before Derek knew what he was doing he had Mark on the floor pounding his face. He didn't for this to happen. He promised himself that he would be calm and not start a fight, but who could blame him. Just then Derek heard it.

"Seriously? Seriously? You have got to be kidding me."

Derek stopped to turn around and see the croud all around them. Then he saw her there, with her hands on her hips, glaring at him.

He slowly stood up and turned to face her.

"Everyone get back to work," he demanded and everyone scurried away in different directions.

Derek kept his eyes on the floor, honselty to embarrased to look at Meredith. Not because Mark was bleeding on the floor behind him, but because Mark was right. Derek is a dumbass, how could he not have tried harder?

Meredith walked over to Mark and helped him up. When she was sure that he only needed a couple stitches and nothing serious she walked over to Derek.

"Are you satisfied? Is this what you wanted? You're best friend is bleeding and you don't care. Derek, leave us alone. I- I love Mark. We are happy together, and he was there when you weren't, so leave me alone. I know you're an expert at that," Meredith forced herself to say.

Everything was okay when she thought that Derek left her because he didn't love her. But not that she knew the truth, it was to hard. Now that she knew that he still loved her, everything was different. But she can't leave Mark. It's true that she doesn't love him, and that she never did but she can't leave him now. He was always there for her. When her mom demanded that she have an abortion, Mark was there to support her. She married Mark, just so she can keep Chris. Because Ellis believed that Meredith being knocked up was a disgrace to the Grey family. So Mark agreed to marry Meredith for Chris' sake. But he fell in love with her, he gave her a good life. He was a good husband, even though Meredith constantly found herself wishing it was Derek sleeping next to her not Mark. How could she possibly do this to him?

Derek looked up at Meredith through teary eyes, "Okay, If that's what you truly want."

"Yes," Meredith lied. She walked over to Mark and guided him into an empty exam room to fix his face, leaving Derek alone.

_How the hell did we wined up like this? I'm alone, and Meredith hates me and loves Mark, _Derek thought to himself as he stood alone in the hall.

Silence.

**Please Read and Review :)**


	11. Distance

**Okay, I would like to start out by saying that I honestly have the worst luck ever. On Thursday, I broke my nose: FUN! So, this update is a little late.**

Chapter 10: Distance.

Depressed. So god damn Depressed.

Derek has been walking around Seattle Grace Hospital like a zombie for the past week. Ever since the 'incident' with Mark, he's spent most of the work day in his office. He's only seen Mark or Meredith from the galleries in the OR. He's even eating his lunch, alone in his office.

It's not so much for Mark, because honestly he deserved it. It's Meredith's words that are killing him.

"I love him" was all he could hear.

Paging Dr. Shepherd.

_I love him._

She's coding.

_I love him._

Time of Death.

_I love him._

As if Derek was not in enough pain already, those words Meredith uttered could have killed him. Meredith was not supposed to say things like that, well at least not about Mark. I mean its Mark. Man-whore Mark. Mark that took everychance he got to jump into bed with a different woman. Mark, the man that told Derek countless times, that settling down with Meredith was a dumb idea, and now he's married to her?

And damn, she wants him to leave her alone. Maybe its better, maybe Derek can finally move on. Because before he thought she was dead. He kept on thinking what if? But now, well now she's right there. Right infront of him, and he can't do anything about it. He has to stand by and watch her love Mark, with Marks baby.

_How screwed up is the world that at night I have to go home to 40 acres of wilderness, and be alone? I have to toss and turn inorder to fall asleep. I have to make food and sit in my trailer and eat alone. While Mark gets to go home to Meredith, and a baby?_

Just as he was thinking he felt his pager vibrate. He looked at it and saw 911. He quickly got up and ran to the pit.

_Man I was hoping this would be a slow day. I really needed it to be a slow day. _

As soon as he ran into the room, he wanted to turn around and run right back out .

He saw Meredith there trying to order people around, just trying to save this man's life.

"Dr. Shepherd, this man needs surgery and like ASAP. He came in with a shot through the head, but he's amazingly still alive," Meredith said, trying her hardest to sound emotionless, and disconnected. She kept her eyes on the patient, because she really did not want to look at Derek, and not be able to look away.

"Okay, so take him to the OR and I'll be there," Derek said as he stared at the patient's chart. To be honest, he couldn't even focus on the words inorder to be able to read them. He just had to concentrate on not staring at Meredith, on seriously trying to leave her alone.

Meredith barked some orders at the other people in the room and before Derek knew it he was alone, still staring at the chart. He put the chart down, took a deep breath in and walked out the door and towards the scrub room.

As he entered the scrub room, he took in another deep breath and walked to the sink. He stood next to Meredith as she also scrubbed in. The tension between the two was thick enough cut. Each one of them stared at their hands and neither dared to look away. Derek was the first to finish, he slowly looked up to Meredith and opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't. She didn't want him to, and he would respect her wishes. If she wanted to be treated like any other surgcal intern, he would do just that.

"Hurry up, I don't want this man to die on my table."

And with that he walked through the sliding doors and left Meredith alone in the scrub room. He was no longer Derek Shepherd, the man in love with Meredith and the man that wanted to kill Mark. No, now he had to leave that man behind and become Dr. Derek Shepherd: World Renouned Neurosurgeon. He had to save this man's life, he had to give him a second chance at life, because everyone deserved a second chance.

After hours of surgery Meredith was exhausted, it was so late that no one was left in the hospital. The halls were empty.

As if the stress of surgery wasn't enough, Derek was barking orders and critcisms at her the whole time.

You did this wrong.

Step away from the table, Dr. Grey.

Just watch, don't touch anything.

Meredith didn't know how bad it would feel to be treated like that by Derek. The fact that he treated her like any other intern. The fact that he treated her like he didn't know her. As if they didn't spend all those years together. Just like, he didn't love her. But thats what she wanted. Well, thats what she needed. She wanted to hug Derek, she wanted to kiss Derek, god she wanted to go back to the way it was. But she couldn't, and inorder to not give into the desire she needed hime to treat her like this.

But it was so hard, it was so hard that instead of celebrating with Derek after the successful surgery she had to walk away. Distance, she needed distance. She needed to be far away from Derek. She wanted to be close, but she needed to be far.

Derek walked back to his office on tired, wobbly legs. He knows he should be jumping up and down, screaming, and skipping back to his office after doing the nearly impossible in the OR. He just couldn't, all he wanted to do is be alone in his office.

He needed something. He needed a reason to live, a reason to want to live. He needed a sign, to help him through his days.

As he walked to his office, he suddenly ran into something. He heard papers hit the floor, and someone say "I'm so sorry." But he didn't even have to look up to know who it was.

When he did look up he met Meredith's electrifying green eyes. She was frozen staring right back at him. He quickly got down on his knees and helped her pick up her papers, as she joined him on the ground. As they tried to sort her papers back together, their eyes where connected the entire time. They stood up together and Derek handed Meredith her charts.

Meredith held out her hands and held on the charts expecting Derek to let go. But he didn't and they just stood in the dim, empty hall outside of Derek's office staring at eachother.

They were standing so close to eachother that they could both feel the other's breath fanning their faces. The distance between them kept on shrinking until their faces were mere inches away from eachother. Their hand were still on the charts, as their lips touched slightly. Mereidth quickly pulled away and and turned around ready to run away. She heard Derek sigh, and gave into that temptation. She turned back around and quickly returned to Derek. They wasted no time, as they started kissing again. Meredith let Derek lead her into his office.

Meredith couldn't believe it, she was kissing Derek. What used to be a hobby to them in their first years of dating, felt like the best gift ever. It's been so long, and feeling his soft lips on hers was enough to do her in. She was kissing Derek. She was kissing the love of her life.

As soon as the kiss was intensifying, Derek felt his pager vibrate. He felt Meredith back away and could feel her tense up.

_I hope she isn't regretting it. God, she's definitely regretting it. _

Derek looked at his pager to see Owen's name on it.

_I'm going to have to kill him!_

He looked up at Meredith and saw her panicking.

"Mer."

"This was a mistake Derek, I'm sorry I have to go..." Meredith said as she ran to the door before looking back one last time and ran out. She needed to be far away.

As Derek reached Owen, he tried his hardest not to strangle him.

"I want to kill you," Derek told his only friend.

"Would this sudden desire to kill me have anything to do with you sucking the lips off of your very off limits ex-girlfriend?" Owen asked sarcastically.

Derek couldn't believe his ears.

_Oh my god, he saw_?

"I don't know what your talking about?" Derek played dumb. Trying to buy himself sometime to figure out how he's ganna explain to him what happened.

"I saw you guys," Owen said. "You know next time you kiss an intern, check if anyone else in the hall first."

"Okay, let me get this straight, there's no emergency. You just wanted to crush my dreams, and make me even more miserable?"

"No, I was trying to save you from doing the wrong thing. Derek she's married, and I know that you don't want to make that mistake. Look Derek, I know you love Meredith but you need to think of youself. Do you seriously think that if you would have continued, everything would go back to the way it was? Meredith would leave Mark, and you would be happy again? We both now that it would just get worse," Owen explained.

Derek knew he was right, but he wished he wasn't.

"I guess you're right," he said as he turned around to exit the room. "But Owen, next time do me a favor and let me make that mistake myself." And with that Derek was out of the room, and on his way out to his car.

As he sat in the car, he could still feel the feeling of Meredith's lips on his. It was unreal, and it still felt like a dream. It was the best feeling in the world, and he didn't realize how much he missed it. He absent mindedly touched his lips and wished that he could feel it again and again. He sighed as he started the car and drove home.

Alone, as usual.


	12. I do not

Chapter 11: I do not...

I do not love him. I do not love him. I do not love Derek.

Actually, I hate Derek.

I hate everything about him. I hate his ego. I hate how he's always so depressed. I hate how he acts like he's the victim. Like he's the one that spent three years wondering where I was. Like he was left in the hospital alone. As if he had to raise a child alone. Like his mother was yelling at him all day to murder his own baby. The only part of his lover left. And he blames me for marrying Mark.

Mark is perfect for me. He cares, and he loves me. He's a great father to Chris, he treats him like his own. And he practically saved his life. Unless I married, Miss Ellis freakin Grey would never let me keep Chris. Sure I could have ran away, had him anyway. But my body was in distress, and I was barely out of rehab. It was technically a miracle that Chris even lived through the accident. And where would I go, I wasn't like Derek. I couldn't just pick up and leave everything and everyone behind. And Mark helped me, sure I didn't agree in the beginning. The thought of marrying Mark was crazy. I mean it's Mark. Sleep-with-a-different-woman-everynight Mark. But he told me he loved me, that he'll love me forever. That he would never think about leaving. That when push comes to shove, "I'll always be there for you, Meredith. So trust me. Love me. Marry me."

How could I reject my only chance at life? I had to accept that Derek was gone. That Derek didn't want me. That Mark had to be my new Derek. Mark would have to be the person I wake up to. Mark would drive me to work. Mark would teach me. Mark would make corny jokes that no one laughed to but me, because I thought everything that came out of his mouth was funny. Not Derek, but Mark now. And as much as I wished it was Derek, it was Mark that I went home with at night. I would have to accept that my life was ruined, and I couldn't do anything about it.

And then Derek thinks it okay to come back and confuse me. I was adapting to my sucky life. I was happy. Well, I was somewhat, sorta-kinda happy. I wouldn't spend my whole day wishing he was unhappy. I finally stopped crying in the shower. But now he thinks its normal to kiss me and get away with it? No, no I will not run back to him. I'm a Grey. And Greys are strong, fighters.

I do not love him. I hate him.

And I would be lying if I said that seeing him depressed didn't make me kind of happy. He deserves to feel what I felt for three years. It's true he thought I was dead, but honestly it's not hard to figure out if it's true before you drive across the country. When push came and shoved his ass, he ran. He didn't stay, he didn't fight. But I will, I will fight for Chris to have a normal life. I will fight for Mark, just how Mark fought for me.

I will not give in. I know the easy thing to do is just run back. To bolt across this cafeteria, into Derek's arms. I can see him looking at me, I'm not blind. He watches me, and it's so hard not to give in. But I will fight. I will not give up. Let him be guilty. Let Derek Shepherd feel bad for once in his life.

True, the kiss was amazing. And I don't even want to think what would have happened had he not been paged. His musky, masculine scent overwhelmed me, like a drug. The feel of his lips on mine almost did me in. His skilled hands roaming my body, made the world around us peel away. The feel of my hands running through his perfect hair could have killed me. His weight on top of me, not heavy but careful, delicate made me forget everything. But as soon as the pager went off, the world came back to me. And he was still the Derek that left me. Nothing changed. Accept the look in his eyes when I told him it was a mistake, it wasn't anger, regret, or sadness. But acceptance. Like He knew it. Like he has accepted his life will stay sucky, as mine will. And as I left his office, I could bet my life that I saw him blame himself. As though he thought he didn't deserve it, didn't deserve happiness. And as I look at him right now, sitting alone at the table, it's like a mirror image. Like every thought going through my mind, is racing through his as well.

The emotions are the same.

Regret. Anger. Acceptance. Embarassment. and more Regret.

"Meredith?"

I heard my fellow intern, Izzie, ask. I looked up at her smily face, and wanted to slap her. She's always happy, always smiling. It makes me sick that she's so happy, and I'm well...Dark n' Twisty.

"Yes Izzie," I forced myself to say as I returned to staring at he who must not be named. Ass.

She sat down across from me, and followed the direction of my gaze to find me looking at Derek.

"Oh," Izzie said. "You're staring at McDreamy?"

I giggled. "McWhat?"

I saw Izzie get a little red, and look down at her untouched salad.

"The nurses," she explained. "They call him McDreamy. I mean, you know cuz of the hair and... stuff. You should know, you've been staring at him for the past half hour." Akward.

"I have not!" Have I seriously been staring? I mean occasional looking yes, but staring?

"You so have, and don't get me wrong I'm not much of a gossip but I've heard things." Izzie said taking a bite of her greens. I haven't known her for that long, but from what I've learned she's tight with the gossip in this hospital. But seriously, everyone is. I wouldn't be surprised if everyone knew about Derek and me already.

I gulped. "What kind of things?" I asked cautiously.

"Well, as if the fight between him and your husband wasn't enough, one of the nurses told me you all go way back to before Dr. Shepherd even started working here. I mean that's what the nurses are saying," Izzie said innocently, like she was just stating facts. Yeah, no big deal. It's just my life everyone is gossiping about.

"Look Izzie, I'm married. I have a kid. He's just my boss, just like he's yours. What happened between him and Mark, is none of my bussiness and none of yours. So you can tell the _nurses _that there is nothing going on between my and McWhatever," I retorted as I grabbed my tray of untouched food and walked away, leaving a very red and embarassed Izzie behind.

As I walked out of the cafeteria I could feel everybodies eyes on me. I quickly looked over to the table Derek was sitting at to see it empty, before I exited the cafeteria and boarded the elevator. Right before the sliding doors met, they forcefully reopened to present a very tired looking Derek. He walked in without even looking up to see me standing right infront of him. I felt my pulse quicken, and my heart beat like there was no tomorrow. When he finally looked over his shoulder and saw me, it was too late. The elevator had already started moving. I heard him take a deep breath in, and turn back around. I kept my gaze on my uninterseting shoes and he looked ahead, both of us kept silent.

I had so many thoughts on my mind, but I couldn't say anything. Or I wouldn't. My heart felt like It would pop out of my chest any second, and my head was spinning. I could feel him look back at me, and open his mouth to say something every couple seconds. But nothing came out, he sighed and turned back around. I looked up at him, and quickly looked back down. I counted the seconds until the bell would ring, announcing my arrival to my designated floor. When I finally heard it, Derek turned around to look at me with hope in his eyes.

That I would stay?

That I would speak?

That I would give in?

No.

I swirved around him and ran out of the elevator, as far as I could. I saw an empty supply closet in the hall, and I quickly got in and shut the door behind me. I didn't realize how light headed and suffocated I felt, until I got out of the elevator and was able to finally breath. I felt my pulse return to normal limits and a lone tear escape my eye and fall down my cheek. I promised myself I wouldn't do this, I would be strong.

I do not love him. I cannot. I will not fall apart.

I will have to get used to working with him, I will have to cope. And if the only way I can do this is by staying as far away as possible from him, I will. I owe it to myself, Mark, and Chris.

I am a wife. And a mother. And not some lovesick teenager.

No, because love is a poison. And I do not love him. I do not...

Meredith Grey does not love Derek Shepherd.

If I can tell Derek I love Mark, why can't I convonce myself? I know what's best for me, but why do I want him instead? Why am I attached to the man that ruined me, broke me? Why is that over and over again I fall for the ass? What is wrong with me?

I'm screwed.

**HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED IT. Please Read and Review, because it honestly makes it easier to update, and it makes it happen faster :) thanks!**


	13. Crazy

So, im back. And I can't apologize enough for the delay. I won't make you wait any longer. Here we go.

Chapter 12: Crazy

This is a big day. A very big day.

Today, we get a new batch of surgical interns starting today. And this is the day that our former interns become residents. The thought of a ton of new faces in my hospital should make me sick to my stomach, because technically speaking most of them are interns. But I need the distraction, I need to forget everything and everybody else. I need something to keep me busy. Something that will give my life purpose, and now I get many more interns to boss around, which is fun, and I need fun.

From now on I will be busy. Too busy to think, and too busy to be in akward situations with Mark or Meredith. And from now on, I am always taking the stairs. No more getting stuck in a very little elevator with Meredith Grey. No more wanting to speak, wanting to pour my heart out to her, but having to leave her alone. Having to remember that she's with Mark. That she loves Mark.

As I made my way down the hall and stairs seperating my office and the main surgical floor, my confidence was quickly rising. I stopped in front of my new residents. And I emphasize the word MY. My staff in my hospital. Because I finally have control over something in my life, I can finally see clearly. I am Derek Shepherd Chief of Surgery.

"Today is a big day for Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, and a big day for each and every one of you. Today you become residents, and you have your own team of interns to take care of. You have been assigned your new interns. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you will all succeed, because this is your only chance. Now, the Chief Resident, Dr. Bailey will give you your interns. Good luck."

As I was about to turn around and return to my office, I saw Meredith in the middle of the large group of new residents. As all of the doctors broke into mini conversations with their colleagues, Meredith just looked down akwardly. She stood alone, while everyone else stood in groups. She finally looked up at me, and I instantly wanted to look away. The look on her face made my heart ache. She looked lonely and sad, and the good mood that I've had all day, quickly melted away. I felt a wave of sadness wash over me, and I couldn't look away from her. But I knew I had to, so I reluctantly averted my eyes from hers. I turned around and walked up the stairs.I knew I had to do something to make Meredith feel better. As much as I wish I can just forget about it, forget about her, I knew it was impossible. I couldn't erase the somber look on her face these past couple of days.

I walked into my office and sunk down into my chair. I finally knew exactly how to make Mereidth feel better. I quickly dialed the familiar number, ready to be tormented.

After about thirty minutes of being yelled at by Christina for being such an ass, I finally got talk.

"Look, I know I ruined her, I know I fucked up. But I didn't know, I thought she was dead. But that's not the point, do you want to help her or not?" I asked as I rubbed the bridge of my nose. I always knew that Christina was um tough. But I never expected thirty minutes of straight screaming, I don't even think she stopped to breath.

"Sure, whatever. I'll be there, but our conversation is not over doll face," Christina answered.

I closed the phone, finally able to relax. My head was pounding, and I felt like it was going to blow up. Just as I was relaxing, Mark barged into my office.

"Are you fucken stupid?" he yelled.

"What do you mean?" I asked, starting to get irritated.

"You dated the girl for four years, and its like you don't even know her last name?"

"You're not making sense, Mark," I furiously accused.

"Grey, Derek," he explained. "The new intern, Lexie Grey."

I stood up and walked over to where Mark was standing. He must of saw the confused look on my face, because he sighed and continued.

"It's her sister," Mark said. "Like she needs to be introduced to the sister she never knew she had. Because she doesn't have enough stress on her shoulders. She doesn't need it, and you're to stupid to realize that the girl is her sister?"

"Well, obviously Mark I didn't know. Do you think I want to hurt her on purpose?"

"Sometimes I wonder," he accused. I couldn't believe my ears, my best friend was accusing me of purposely torturing the love of my life? He has to be crazy.

"Seriously Mark?"

"She was crying, in a closet Derek. You think its easy? As if having to see you again wasn't enough? You're ruining our lives Derek, you don't understand how hard it is on me."

"Stop yelling at me, this isn't my fault. You get to live with her. At the end of the day, she goes home to you. And if that's not enough, you have a kid with her. Stop complaining about you're life. You know what's hard? Having to figure out that you're dead girlfriend is very alive, and hey she married your brother. I have to watch her love you, when I am alone. So shut up, just shut up," I yelled, with my fists clenched tightly.

I meant to act like this wasn't a big deal, like Meredith being with Mark didn't affect me. But the anger was flowing through my blood and I couldn't listen to poor Mark complaining about his perfect life anymore. So much for the good mood.

Mark took a deep breath and turned around and exited the room. I looked to the side and saw Meredith staring through the glass walls. Her mouth was open and she looked like she was going to cry. Mark ran up to her and tried to hold her in his arms, but she quickly pushed him away and ran away.

I fell onto the couch near where I was standing. My legs could no longer hold me up. I rubbed my face with my hands and was about to fall asleep when I heard someone open my door again.

"What now?" I said with my head still in my hands.

"Oh, Chief Shepherd. I'm sorry to interrupt you but we have a tricky patient and needs your help. He told me to come get you."

I finally sat up on the couch and looked at the intruder. She was new, I honestly had no idea who she was.

"And who are you?" I asked, annoyed.

"Oh, sorry," she said as she walked up to me. She held out her hand, and smiled at me. "I'm Dr. Kepner, I'm a new intern."

"Right, and why does Dr. Webber need my help?"

"Well, the patients husband is not cooperating and we needed you to talk to him. The patient signed a DNR, but the husband won't accept the fact that she's gone," Dr. Kepner explained.

"Okay, let's go," I said as we walked out of my office.

_Like this day wasn't sucky enough. I need a patient's __**crazy**__ husband forbiding my staff from doing there jobs. I hate this day._


	14. Twisted Sister

Chapter 13: Twisted Sister

"Bitch," Meredith accused. She's been staring at Derek and Dr. Kepner for the past half hour. "It's sickening how she makes googly eyes at him. This is not a bar, its a hospital. People die here, not hookup. I mean seriously?"

"Sorry Mer, but you're a little crazy," chuckled Lexie. It was obnoxiously obvious that her sister was jealous. April has been flirting with Derek since the day she showed up here, and it's killing Meredith. Lexie seriously contemplated telling Meredith, but she had just met her sister and didn't want to jeporadize their relationship. So she would have to just watch her newly found sister lose her mind.

Meredith quickly snapped her head towards Lexie, and glared at her. "You know I hate you, daddy stealer." Meredith was joking with Lexie, as much as she didn't want to admit it she loved having a sister. But with the much anticipated sisterly love, came the annoying sisterly fights. At times, she honestly wanted to smack Lexie, and this was one of those times. She was trying, but she couldn't relate to Lexie how she used to relate to-

"Cristina?" Meredith yelled, as she spotted her black haired friend across the cafeteria. To say she was suprised, well that would be an understatement . She never expected to see her twisted sister in Seattle, but there she was standing right in front of her.

Cristina sighed, and quickly walked over to the table Meredith was sitting at. She slammed her messenger bag on the table and sunk into the seat across from Meredith. "I already hate Seattle," said Cristina.

"I can't believe you're here," said Meredith, still shocked.

"Well after 'McDreamy' called me, I knew you needed me," explained Cristina, she stressed the McDreamy part with a disgusted face.

"Wait Derek called you? And how do you already know wbout McDreamy?"

"Well as soon as I got here and told a nurse I was Dr. Shepherd's friend she had this shit eating grin on her face and she asked me if McDreamy was really as perfect as he seemed? Which by the way makes me want to McVomit."

"I can't wrap my mind around this, why would Derek call you?"

"Because I'm awesome, and you seriously need help. But I wasn't supposed to tell you that so don't tell Prince Charming," Cristina said as she watched Meredith grow impatient and roll her eyes.

"I am fine," she said pointing at herself. "You guys need help."

"Oh dear," Cristina joked, "There is so much work to be done."

Meredith looked over to where Derek and April were sitting to see him looking straight at her, instead of the obviously annoyed April Kepner. April was still talking to him even though he wasn't listening, and she was also glaring at Meredith.

"Ass," Meredith mumbled, well aware that Derek could read her lips. Although she was evidently pissed off, she was also relieved that Cristina was here.

"So, I'm surprised you haven't killed him yet," Cristina said as she leant on the back of the chair.

"I was ganna say the same thing about you," Meredith added. She honestly thought that Cristina would destroy Derek at the first chance she got. She, however, was being strangely calm. "Why haven't you killed him yet?" Meredith asked, in shock.

"I thought I would let you do that."

"I can't, I really just...can't," Meredith sighed.

"Well, since I am being ignored I'm just ganna leave," Lexie said as she stood up and walked away, leaving Cristina and Meredith in an akward silence.

Meredith seriously tried her hardest to not watch Dr. Kepner throw herself at Derek.

_There's no way he could like her, she's so... annoying. I mean seriously, it's not possible. Even though she is young, and pretty, and not married to his bestfriend. Oh and there's the whole-I-had-his-baby-but-lied-to-him-about-it thing, which is not attractive._

"Are you going to stare at him all day?" asked Cristina casually.

"I am so not staring," Meredith rebuttled.

"He told me about everything, ya know as much as I hate him you got to cut him some slack."

"No I don't, he left me. He's the ass."

"An ass that you still love," Cristina stated.

"I do not, I hate him."

"Look Meredith, you don't understand. When I was young, I watched my father die and I couldn't help him. I know there was nothing more that I wanted to do than run away. I did not want to attend my father's funeral, and I did not want to live in the house that he lived in. You don't know what it's like, but I do."

"But Cristina the thing is, you didn't run away. You stayed, you cared enough to stay."

Cristina never really thought about it that way, but it did make sense. And having to watch her person go through so much pain was hard, but she did not doubt that Derek went through an unbearable amount of pain, too.

Meredith sighed and continued. "I do not love him, I have Mark. Mark wouldn't leave me, he's done nothing but support and help me. Even though I know he misses Derek, I know he wants to be his friend, he stood up for me. He picked me. And he's great with Chris. And Derek should be thanking Mark. If it wasn't for him, Chris wouldn't be alive."

"But don't you think that Derek deserves to know, even though it's painfully obvious that it's his kid. I didn't know that Derek was that dumb."

"He cannot know, not now atleast," Meredith couldn't help but realize that April was now sitting by herself.

_I can't believe he called Cristina, which is like committing suicide for him. And why? Because I was sad, and he wanted me to be happy. He still cares. _

Later on that day, Meredith was on Derek's service and she was busy trying to find him before surgery. As she opened Derek's office door, she was shocked to see Derek sitting down behind his desk with his hed burried in his arms on the desk, asleep.

_I should leave him, he looks tired. But I can't, this patient will die if he doesn't operate on her. Crap._

She walked over to Derek and reluctantly tapped on his shoulder, completely ignoring the bolt of electricity upon touching him. Derek flinched and looked up, suprised to see Meredith standing above him. He rubbed his eyes, not believing that Meredith would come into his office.

"Mer?" he asked.

Meredith winced at the sound of his voice calling her by her nickname, that only he used to use. "Katie is prepped for surgery, I paged you but umm you never showed up," Meredith stuttered. She's not supposed to be nervous, he's just her boss. But he's not, he's more. And seeing him like this, reminds her of all those early mornings when they would wake up together after a long night of um fun.

"Okay let's go," Derek plainly said as he got up and followed Meredith out of his office.

When they finally arrived at the scrub room, they were alone.

"Thank You," Meredith blurted out.

"What?" he asked without looking up, he continued to scrub in.

Meredith akwardly fidgeted around, and played with her fingers. "For the whole Cristina thing."

"Yeah, whatever," was all Derek said.

"It was really nice, that you care and-" Meredith was saying before Derek cut her off.

"She's a great surgeon, that's why I brought her here," Derek coldly lied. He was supposed to leave her alone, and he had too. Not for her, for himself. He couldn't be too close to Meredith, it just hurt too much.

"Oh."

And with that, Derek turned away from Meredith and walked into the OR, leaving a stunned Meredith behind. She was shocked that he treated her so horribly.

_Maybe, he's just cranky? I mean he just woke up. _

As Meredith walked out of the OR, she was furious. She had just been kicked out of the OR, by Derek Shepherd. He seriously just kicked her out.

_I didn't even do anything, and the ass kicked me out? For what reason? I apparently disrespected him. Like me telling him he's wrong is disrespecting him? Ass. _

She was shortly followed by an, also, furious Derek. He quickly pulled her into the empty stairwell.

She waited for him to say something, but he just walked around in circles. After a couple minutes, she decided to break the silence.

"Are you ganna say something?"

"Did it seem like a good idea to disrespect me like that in front of my staff?"

"I didn't do anything," Meredith replied.

"Oh, right. Don't give me that shit Meredith," Derek snapped.

"Why are you treating me like crap? Even when you're supposed to be teaching me, you act like I'm not even there."

"Because you told me to fucking leave you alone," Derek yelled. He was well aware that his voice was echoing and everyone could hear him, but at that moment he didn't care.

"You told me that I'm ruining you're life. You act like you're the only one that's hurt. Like I don't regret walking away every fucking day of my life. Like me thinking you were dead for three years isn't enough torture. Damn, Meredith I have to watch you be with Mark, my bestfriend. You get to be happy with your husband and son, and I walk around this hospital like a zombie," Derek continued.

Meredith was utterly speachless watching Derek yell at her. She never stopped to think of how Derek felt through this whole thing. And now that she saw how much pain he was in, it hurt her heart.

She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by Derek's pager.

"911," Derek said, and he turned around and walked away.

As he walked to his office to meet Dr. Kepner, he felt worse than before. The painful look on Meredith's face as he yelled at her killed him, but for once he got to speak. He got to spill his guts, let it all out. He had bottled everything up for so long, that he couldn't focus on anything. But now, now he could think. However, all he could think about is Meredith.

He walked into his office to see a shocked April Kepner, standing there in her light blue scrubs, covered in bright red blood.

_Shit._


	15. This is it

**Here comes the much awaited beginning of Merder Love 3. This chapter, however, is a little um not happy so here you go.**

Chapter 13: This is it.

Derek could not believe his eyes, why was the annoying intern covered in blood, and why the hell does she look like she's crazy? He couldn't exactly read April's facial expression, there were so many emotions but all he could see was fear. Her eyes were watery, and she was shaking. Derek could feel himself growing scared as well.

He rushed over to April, and held on to her shoulders. He looked her right in the eyes, hoping that her fear would dissolve. He, however, saw her eyes grow wider and the fear escalade within her. She started shaking more, and he knew that what he was about to hear was something big. So big.

"April?" Derek asked, he could feel his voice shaking. He was scared and worried, and he knew it was obvious. His blue eyes gradually grew darker and his head was swimming. He watched April closely, waiting for the inevitable bad news.

"It was a good day," April said as she let out a disgusted chuckle deep in her throat. "You don't wake up in the morning knowing something like this would happen. You only expect great things. It's only my first day, you never expect to run into your best friend's corpse on your first day," she stuttered.

Corpse? Every scenario was running through his mind. Something horrible is happening in his hospital, and he can't do anything until Dr. Kepner tells him what to do.

"April, breathe. I need you to breath. Please, I need you. Calm down, and talk to me," Derek begged.

April was shaking violently as tears started gushing out of her eyes. "She's dead. Reed died in a hospital. How ironic is it, that in a building built to save people, she died? We're all doctors, we all have the tools to save lives, and we can't do anything. She's gone."

"April you're in shock, I need you to relax and tell me what is happening in my hospital?"

"She was shot, someone shot Reed," April sobbed hysterically.

Derek could not believe his ears. This can't be happening. Not today. Not after everything else. He could feel himself getting light headed, and his head was spinning. The damn room wouldn't stop spinning, either. He let go of April, and she instantaneously fell to the floor crying. He raised a hand to his head, and tried to think. He had to do something, but he couldn't make clear thoughts.

_Why? I thought the day could not get worse, I never expected a psycho killer running through my hospital. _

As Meredith walked through the empty halls, she was finally starting to understand Derek. She never thought of how he felt all those years. She finally started to think of him, and his side of the argument. Derek didn't leave her because he wanted to. He didn't leave because he didn't want her or Chris. He left only because he loved her. He isn't the bad guy; he's just another innocent victim. He has to watch her, thinking that she loves Mark. Thinking that she's happy with Mark. Happily married with a child. When in reality the beautiful blue eyed, dark haired boy was his. He wasn't two years old, he didn't know about Derek, and he definitely was not Mark's. Derek needs her, but can't have her. Derek needs Chris, but can't have him either. And she needs Derek, but can't have him. But most importantly Chris needs Derek. Mark is a great dad, but he is not his father. Chris needs his father. Meredith finally knew what she needs to do; now all she has to do is find Derek.

She suddenly felt her pager vibrate on her side. She picked it off the waist of her scrubs and looked at the small screen.

"Lockdown?" she asked herself.

"Do you know what the heck this means?" Meredith heard Cristina say from behind her. She turned around to greet her best friend.

"No, but what I do know is that I hate this hospital."

"Well, why?" Cristina sarcastically asked, as she saw Meredith glare at her. "I actually like it here, there's cardio and that hot redhead."

"Reed?" Meredith asked.

"No Blondie, McDreamy's friend."

"Oh," Meredith said as she felt her mouth grow into a rather large grin. "You mean Owen."

"Yeah whatever, he's alright but the important thing is CARDIO. It's like my heroine. I need it. Even though these little surgeries are not enough. I need blood and trauma, and a lot of it."

Meredith stopped in the middle of the hall and turned to her face her friend.

"So, speaking of Mc—Derek. Speaking of Derek, I'm going to tell him."

Cristina stopped and turned around, obviously in shock. Meredith could tell how surprised Cristina was by the way her jaw dropped.

"Tell him what?" she asked.

"About Chris, it's the right thing to do," she said as she nervously played with her fingers.

"Oh so very adult of you, Mom."

Meredith laughed, and loved how it felt. It's been so long since she actually laughed. Especially after the horrible fight she had with Derek earlier. She, however, was going to fix that, just as soon as she could find him.

Mark boarded the elevator, and he was furious. Actually, furious was an understatement. The whole hospital heard Meredith and Derek's 'lovers quarrel.' He clenched his fists, as he pushed the number 3 on the elevator, making his way to Derek's office. He would set this straight; he would quit and take Meredith back home. They don't belong in the same hospital with Derek. And he had to stop Derek from hurting Meredith anymore. She obviously doesn't love him so he should just leave them alone.

Mark looked up to see an elderly man walk into the elevator. The man smiled at Mark, but it wasn't a real smile. He plastered a fake smile to his face, just for show. The man's eyes were red, and his beard looked like he hadn't shaved in weeks. The man clenched onto his jacket, and started talking to Mark.

"Can you please tell me where Chief Shepherd's office is? I need to see him, and end this," the mysterious man said.

Mark chuckled loudly, "Oh it's on the third floor, but trust me you don't want to see him. He's an ass, he'll try to take the only thing you love and act like he didn't do shit."

"Oh, I know," the man said. "But that'll end soon"

The elevator came to a halt and the man and Mark walked off the elevator. Mark started walking the rout to Derek's office, blind from anger. He suddenly realized the man had walked in the opposite direction, obviously not knowing the way to Derek's office. He almost called out for the man, but he wanted to talk to Derek alone. He had to end this disaster of a life they were living.

Meredith was happy. She was finally going to end the big catastrophe between Derek and herself. True, she couldn't be with Derek. But at least Chris will have his father. And she has Mark. Just as she was going to reach Derek's office she saw Mark walking her way. He looked mad, his hair was crazy, his eyes were red, and his fists were clenched tightly.

"Mark?" she asked.

He looked up at the sound of her voice.

"What are you doing at Derek's office?" she asked seeing that he stopped right in front of the door.

"I'm ending all this shit, we're leaving Mer."

"No, Mark we can't..." she was saying as Mark cut her off.

"Meredith, I'm done," he said as he grabbed the door knob and turned it as he threw the door open.

He quickly entered the room and looked around. He felt Meredith walk in after him. But as he looked for Derek, he realized he wasn't in his office.

They turned to see Derek, as they heard his voice from behind.

"What is happening?"

Mark threw his hands in the air, annoyed. "Oh look who finally showed up."

He expected Derek to get mad, especially since everyone knew he was having a horrible day. But Derek didn't, he looked scared.

"We're on lockdown for a damn reason. There's a shooter loose in the hospital."

Derek heard Meredith gasp, and Mark take a deep breath in.

"Chris," Meredith sobbed.

"What?" Derek asked.

"He's in the hospital. In the day care."

"The doors are locked, he'll be okay, Mer," Derek explained.

"No, no," Meredith cried, "I need him with me; I have to go get him." Meredith started walking towards the door ready to leave.

Derek quickly held on to her, as she cried. She tried to wiggle loose, but he was too strong. There's no way he could let her go out there. He had thought he lost her once, he wasn't actually going to lose her this time. He would do whatever he had to, to make sure she was okay, and safe.

"Meredith look at me," he said, and she looked up at him. "I promise you he will be okay. But I need you to stay here. I will get Chris. He will be okay, trust me." He watched her, expecting her to scream and fight back. She surprisingly shook her head.

"Mark, don't let them leave. Stay here, I'll come get you guys when all this is done," Derek said as he turned to close the door behind him.

"What about you?' he heard Meredith ask.

He turned back around and looked at her one last time. "I have to fix this, it's my hospital. I can't hide, I'm the Chief." And with that he closed the door behind him and walked away.

"Oh my god, oh my god," Meredith repeated.

"It's okay Meredith," Mark said. "We'll be okay."

"How is this okay?" she asked.

"Mer."

"That's what I thought," she said.

At that moment they heard knocking at the door and they all dunked.

"Shh," Mark warned with his finger to his lips.

He crawled to the door, and slowly got up when he heard the footsteps grow silent, signaling the visitor was walking away. Mark peeked through the viewing panel in the door and saw the man retreating down the hall. He instantly recognized the man.

"Oh my god, no."

"What, Mark?" Meredith frantically asked.

"That's the man from the elevator, the one looking for Derek," Mark said.

"Mark?" Meredith reluctantly asked.

"The man with the gun is looking for Derek," Mark said.

Meredith felt her heart drop. She started hyperventilating, and looked up at Mark through teary eyes. So many thoughts crossed her mind. And she really understood the agonizing pain Derek felt when he thought she was dead. She really understood.

"I have to go see if he's okay," Meredith stated.

"Are you crazy? You're not going anywhere."

"But I have to Mark," she cried, tears pouring down her cheeks.

"No, I can't let you go. I love you, you're my wife, and you're not going anywhere."

Something inside of Meredith popped, and she couldn't handle it anymore.

"But I love him," she screamed as fresh tears made their way down her cheeks. "He's the father of my son."

She looked at Mark, really looked at him, and saw him sigh. He looked up at her and shook his head, and surprisingly stepped out of the way, allowing her to leave.

She wiped at her tears, and smiled at him as she exited the office. She felt Mark follow her but didn't care, as long as Derek was okay.

Derek ran through the halls connecting the Seattle Grace Day Care and his office. He carried Chris in his arms, and was trying his hardest to get back to his office and to Meredith.

Chris started to whimper and Derek turned his head to look at him.

"I know your scared Chris, I am too. But were going to see mommy, and I need you to be quiet," Derek bargained.

Though it was incredibly hard to make the Day Care workers agree to give him Chris, he had to. He promised Meredith, and even though it was Mark's son he felt a strange connection with the baby.

As he reached the catwalk, he knew he was mere feet away from his office. He ran across the catwalk to see Meredith at the end of it, with Mark behind her. He was so close to safety until he heard a voice from behind him. He slowly turned around to see a stranger looking right at him.

"Dr. Shepherd," the man disgustingly said.

"Sir, you shouldn't be here. It's not safe," Derek warned as he put Chris down on the floor, and gave him a little push so he would run to his parents. He saw Meredith meet Chris half way and scoop him up into her arms. But her eyes stayed on Derek, and he could see the fear within them. He turned back around to see the man was still there.

"I know, that's the point. It's not safe here," the man said. "You don't recognize me do you?"

Derek finally remembered who the stranger was, and wanted to help him. "Mr. Clark, you should go before you get hurt."

"I'm already hurt," Gary Clark said. He withdrew a gun from his coat pocket and pointed it right at Derek. And Derek realized what was happening, he knew this was it. Gary Clark came to Seattle Grace hospital for revenge. He came to kill Derek. People at the hospital died, because of Derek. And Meredith and her family were standing right behind him, they would have to witness him die.

"You hurt me when you decided to kill my wife," Mr. Clark said, as he positioned the gun toward Derek's chest, **ready to shoot**.


	16. Happy Family

Chapter 14: Happy Family.

"Meredith," Derek said as he tilted his head to the side. "Leave."

He was petrified. Utterly speechless. But having Meredith, Mark, or even Chris in danger was not an option. This was his fault, his mistake. He has to deal with it, and most importantly Meredith and that little boy, that he felt such a connection with, had to be safe.

"Shut up," yelled Gary Clark. "You don't get to talk; you don't get to order anyone around anymore. You're done."

"Please, they have nothing to do with me, let them leave," Derek begged. He could feel his eyes tearing up, but he couldn't cry. He had to be a man, at least in his last moments.

Gary Clark stepped to the side to see Meredith and Mark standing behind Derek, with Mark in front of Meredith, trying his hardest to protect her and Chris.

"I know you," he chuckled, and pointed at Mark. "You're the one that hates Derek Shepherd. You told me where his office was. Thanks by the way, it really helped."

Derek could not believe what he was hearing. Mark helped this man find and kill him? He couldn't believe that his brother would betray him in such a way. Why does nothing make sense anymore? Why does his life suck? Is it worth fighting for? Should he even try?

Mr. Clark narrowed his eyes at Mark. "Run," he snarled towards them.

Mark tugged at Meredith to lead her to safety, but she wouldn't move.

"Meredith, come on," he commanded.

Meredith looked up at Mark through teary eyes. She was shaking, and Mark knew she would break down shortly.

"I can't," she said. "I can't leave him." Tears started making their way down her face and Chris started to whimper.

"I said RUN," Mr. Clark screamed.

"Meredith, go. It's ok. Just go with Mark," Derek quietly said.

Mark grabbed on to Meredith's arm and dragged her away from Derek. By now Chris was crying loudly, and Mark took him from Meredith and tried to quiet him down on their way to the closest closet.

When they finally entered the closet, Mark had successfully calmed Chris down. He put him down on the ground and Chris hurried over to Meredith and clutched on to her leg. Meredith kept her gaze on the ground, and she stood with her back facing Mark.

Mark slowly walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. She quickly grabbed his hand and shoved it off of her.

"Don't touch me," she said. "This is all your fault. Why the hell would you help that psycho? If the father of my son dies, it's all on you. So, don't touch me. Don't talk to me. "

"Mer," was all he could say.

"No, no. Are you that scared of him? What did you think, I was going to leave you for him?" By this time Meredith was hyperventilating and fresh tears were rolling down her cheeks. "And now he's going to die, because of you. You're best friend is going to die, and that's all on you."

Mark opened his mouth to speak but he was cut off by a rather loud noise.

"No," Meredith screamed, realizing that was the sound of the love of her life being shot. The sound rung through her ears, and she couldn't help but imagine Derek, dead, cold, and bloody. She finally broke down and fell to the floor. "Derek," she yelled.

Mark couldn't believe what was happening, his brother was dying. And he helped that happen, this was his fault. He braced himself on the wall, in fear of falling. His head was spinning. In reality it wasn't Mark's fault, but he should've known. He could've helped Derek, but he was so mad that he barely remembered the incident. He was convinced Derek was ruining his life, and maybe, just maybe, he wanted to do the same.

Meredith suddenly stood up and rushed to the door, but Mark was too quick and he held her back.

"Meredith you can't go," Mark said. "You can't leave."

Meredith started hysterically pushing Mark away. Trying her hardest to get loose and make her way to Derek. She couldn't live knowing that she had to hear him die, and just sit in the closet while it happened. And she finally understood what Derek truly felt, what he had to experience. To have to experience your lovers death, and not be able to help. The way your heart breaks, and you don't want to continue living without them. It would be easier to hide in the closet, rollup into a ball, and avoid the world. To not run out to the catwalk and see Derek's lifeless body in front of her. But she loved him too much, and she knew she had to help him. She knew he could still be alive, and that she would be able to help him. She would do whatever she had to do to get passed Mark, and reach Derek.

"I hate you," she screamed at him, and started pounding her ineffectual fists into his chest.

She hates him? Derek probably hates him, too. How did this become his life? How did he let this happen? Meredith loves Derek, not him. Meredith and Derek are destined to be together, and not even Gary Clark can change that. He had to let her go. He had to give up. Enough was enough. Mark sighed, and slowly let go of Meredith.

Meredith took this as her opportunity to flee. She threw the door open and ran back to the catwalk. She quickly spotted Derek's body on the ground in the middle of the catwalk and, to her surprise, Cristina was standing right next to him. She looked around and realized that the shooter had fled the scene and she made her way over to Derek and Cristina. When she reached them, she took a deep breath in and looked down at Derek. He was struggling to breath, and he was covered in bright red blood. Cristina started talking about him needing surgery and that they need to hurry but she didn't pay attention. All she could hear was Derek's unsteady breathing and noises of pain. All she could see was Chris playing with Derek, all she could imagine was telling him about Chris. She dropped to the ground next to him, and quickly dug the palm of her hand into his bullet hole, trying to stop him from bleeding to death.

"Derek, look at me," Meredith frantically said. "You do not get to die on me."

"Mer," Derek grunted. He started squirming from side to side.

Derek was in so much pain that he could barely stay conscious. He couldn't breathe and he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to give up. It would be so easy to just give up. What's the point? Why try? So he could live his whole life regretting what he did? So he can watch Mark and Meredith be 'the happy couple?' She didn't love him, she loved Mark.

"Derek, I pick you. I choose you. I love you," she said as tears she didn't know she had started falling off of her face and on to Derek's. "You do not get to die and leave me, do you hear me. I forgive you Derek, but now I need you to fight for me," Meredith said, as she realized he was about to go unconscious. She needed him to stay awake; she needed him to stay with her. She had to make him pay attention. "You need to fight for your son."

She saw Derek's eyes grow a little wider and felt him raise one of his hands and lay it on hers. He still couldn't breathe and was losing too much blood but he was trying. He was fighting. He wanted to live, he wanted to survive. He had a reason to live. He had something to fight for. His hand was shaking on top of hers, and it was full of blood but he was moving. He was still with her.

"Chris needs you Derek," she continued. "And so do I."

She could have sworn she saw Derek's mouth grow into a smile. And it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She'd never been so happy to see him smile. He wanted her and Chris. He was choosing her, he was choosing to live.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up to see Cristina and Mark standing in front of her, and Mark had Chris in his arms. She didn't know how long they've been there waiting for her, how long they've been talking to her. All she could think focus on was Derek that she forgot all about them.

"Meredith, Derek needs surgery," Cristina said. "Like now."

"She's right Meredith," Mark reasoned.

Meredith looked back down at Derek to see he was still awake, looking up at Chris. She saw the love in his eyes, and she knew whatever it would take she had to save Derek. She stood up and thought for a second.

"Okay, one of you has to take Chris and leave, he can't stay here."

"You take him, Meredith," Mark suggested. "We'll help Derek."

"No," she responded, shaking her head. "I can't leave him, he needs me."

"I haven't done Cardio in years," Mark said. "I'm a plastic surgeon."

Meredith shifted her vision to Cristina, and stared at her.

"No," Cristina said, realizing what Meredith wanted her to do. "I'm just a resident, barely."

"Cristina," Meredith pleaded. "You said it yourself that you needed Cardio, well here's your chance. He needs you Cristina, I need you."

Cristina knew she had to be quick, she knew she had to do this, her person needs her. She couldn't witness Meredith lose DEREK AGAIN. And as much as she hated it, she had to admit she liked Derek. He was a great man, and he loved Meredith. They were made for each other, and they had to be together. And now it was up to her to make it happen.

"Okay, okay," she said.

Meredith dropped back onto the ground next to Derek.

"We're going to help you Derek," she told him. "You're going to make it, and we're going to be a family. Me, you, and Chris."

_This will work_, she told herself. _Derek will live and we will be happy. She'll finally have her family. __**Her happy family. **_

Thanks for reading guys, and hopefully it won't be long before I get the next chapter up. But you know what helps? Reviews and suggestions. So please I'm begging, review. Even if you hate it, because everything helps.


	17. Shoot me

**Okay, I suck, I know I suck. I have had a hectic year, but it's no excuse. I'm committed to this fic, and will finish it. But as usual pleaaaaaaaaaaase review. **

Chapter 15: Shoot me

Meredith looked down at Derek.

When she agreed to stay with Mark in Seattle she never expected this to happen. She never thought she would be prepping Derek for life threatening surgery. She knew it would be hard to work in the same hospital as him, but she would have never imagined standing over Derek's unconscious body while her best friend was cutting his body open. She never thought she would have to watch Mark stand in the scrub room with Chris in his arms, watching his best friend almost die.

But then again, she never expected to fall in love with her best friend over a couple of sappy movies and countless bowls of popcorn. She never expected him to fall in love with her after several long nights of studying, and tutoring. She never expected that one of those nights that involved Derek helping her study for anatomy would turn into both of them studying each other's anatomy. She definitely never expected them to stay together long enough for her to graduate medical school and start her internship, and for him to become Chief Resident and finish his residency. She never expected to wake up and not find him, or to be pregnant with his baby with him nowhere to be found. She never expected to move to Seattle, and work for him. But most of all she never expected to watch him get shot.

She tried to forget that they were in an OR, and that Cristina had cracked his chest open and was currently fixing his heart. She tried focusing on the bright side: he knew about Chris. He would wake up and grow old with her and Chris.

She always said she didn't do families, and never wanted the bright and shiny crap, but damn she wanted everything with Derek. She wanted the hot dates they used to have. She wanted pointless conversations they had about their days that always ended up with sex. Hell, she even wanted the church, and the big puffy white dress, and the guests that would complain about every little thing. She wanted to walk down the aisle to Derek in his slick black tuxedo. She wanted forever. She wanted Chris to have all the things she never had, and she knew that Derek would give him everything.

She looked over at Chris and expected to see him in Mark's arms, safe. But she gasped when she saw Gary Clark standing directly in front of Mark with the gun pointed at him. She took a step towards the scrub room to try to understand what was happening, but all she could hear was screaming.

"Meredith what is going on out there," Cristina asked when she heard all the screaming.

"I don't know," Meredith said as she slowly approached the scrub in room.

Mark felt like shit all day. His best friend could die any second, and that's partially his fault. He never expected to have to experience this. He was always so close to Derek. He remembered when he first met Derek in fifth grade. They became friends instantly. He remembered when Derek was at his house when his dad showed up drunk. He remembered Derek calling his dad to come help Mark. He remembered Derek's dad telling him that he wasn't alone, that he will always have a family, and always have a brother. He remembered high school with the dorky band geek. He remembered when they met Meredith. And he definitely remembered Derek being head over heels in love with her. But now Derek was lying on the operating table, with Cristina's arms in his chest, and Gary Clark was feet away from him pointing a gun at him.

"Mr. Clark, please just turn around and walk away. You won't get in trouble. I promise you," he uttered. Mark could feel himself shaking. He slowly set Chris on the floor, and put his hands in the air, as to say 'I give up, you're free.'

Gary Clark chuckled. He looked over at Derek's body, and he saw Meredith staring back at him. He turned to face Mark again.

"Isn't this what you wanted," Gary Clark said. "You and your wife and kid can walk out safe. Just leave him here, he'll die. Leave him to die, just like how he let my wife die."

"No," Mark blurted out. "That man is my brother. Yeah we've been through shit, but he's my brother. I've always gotten what I wanted, and when he finally had what he deserved I stole it from him. He is the only person in this world that understands me. He's like my other half. He is a great man. A better man…so shoot me."

Meredith opened the door to the scrub room just in time to hear the last two words that came out of Mark's mouth.

"Mark," she muttered in utter disbelief.

"Meredith, take Chris and walk back in to the operating room," Mark commanded.

Meredith looked into Mark's eyes and saw multiple emotions screaming back at her: regret, sadness, love, but mostly regret. She couldn't believe what was happening. She couldn't wrap her mind around the situation. But before she can process anything Mark turned back around to address Gary Clark.

"Shoot me," he screamed. "Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me," he repeated daring Gary Clark to be the man he claimed to be.

Instead of hearing the imminent gun shot, Meredith heard a flat line. She quickly turned around to see Cristina and Jackson frantically running around trying to revive Derek. She set Chris on the floor, only to fall down sobbing after him. She screamed out Derek's name as tears burst out of her eyes. She literally felt her heart break into a million pieces. She started pounding on her thighs, not caring if she hurts herself. It was okay to be with Mark when she could see Derek every day. When she could still be sure he was still breathing, and that his heart was still beating. But now Derek was actually dying, and she would give anything to switch places with him. It was not fair that once he knew about Chris, this would be the end. It was not fair that she read Chris books that always ended with the king and queen's happy ending, and this is her horrible ending.

When Mark heard Derek flat lining, he wanted to break down. He wanted to run and hide. He wanted to climb into a hole and die. He wanted to go back in time and change it so that it was him on the table, and not his brother. He looked back at Gray Clark, and screamed one last time as he lunged towards him.

"Shoot me," Mark yelled.

And the nervous, fidgeting Gary Clark looked around quickly before answering Mark's pleads. The bullet landed in Mark's shoulder and he fell backwards towards the floor. He fidgeted around and quickly raised his hand to his shoulder. He heard Gary Clark mumble something and run away. Everything hurt him, but he was content. The room was spinning, and everything was black but he was happy because he heard the three words come out of Jackson's mouth between Meredith's yelling before he passed out.

_We got him _


End file.
